I was feeling a bit down recently, when I read the following article:
Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning…”
“I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”
The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes… sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.”
The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch – ain’t no way out.
Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Memphis, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.
A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg ’cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg ’cause an alligator be chompin’ on it is.
You can’t have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. An empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom’s
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy league institutions
d. Golf courses
No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
You have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can’t be satisfied
You don’t have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a pension fund
Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you gasoline, it’s the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Well, it looks like I ain’t got the Blues, ’cause I sure ain’t fixin’ to die yet!
I woke up this morning with a bullfrog on my mind…….Schmutz, Tony
Do people blabber (blogger?) on about nothing because they’re not sure what to say? Must be true because I’m about to do it again so tune me out if you can’t take it any more.
You may recall my last travel info was about Durham, NC. You call that the south? You ain’t never been to Memphis, Honey! (you see, there technically is a segue here from your post, Tom…)
Things to do in Memphis if you go:
1. Taste the best flippin’ barbeque in the best barbeque joint in the U.S. – at the Rendevous!
2. Stay at the Peabody and watch the ducks parade through the lobby (yeah, well, we’re a little odd in america!)
3. Definitely hit the Pottery Barn Outlet – a little off the beaten path, but worth the trek – I nailed a 7 foot long pine table for 99 bucks!
4. Please don’t forget about Elvis! You can visit Graceland and stand in line with Elvis Wannabes. Totally weird. Actually what surprised me was that the house is quite understated, pretty and tasteful on the outside, but HOLY SHIT the inside is not to be believed. On the tour you’ll learn why his body literally ballooned as he devoured all those yummy fried pb&j sandwiches.
5. Just as you’re getting into Elvis and feeling a taste of the real, deep South, you might want take a road trip (an hour and a half away) to Tupelo, Mississippi. There you can see the birthplace of Elvis — a tiny white house. (To give you an idea of how tiny, my step-sister, who visited when I lived in Tupelo, saw the house and said, “what did his mom do, stick her legs out the window to give birth?”
6. So, those are my brilliant words of wisdom today, but you gotta LOSE THE BLUES. May I please remind you that when my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when I was two (and she in her twenties), she was given a year to live, but she lived until she was 42 – another 13 years – and that was in the olden days! THEY DON’T ALWAYS KNOW. KEEP THE FAITH AND LOSE THE BLUES.
another happy face – what the &45#??????
This is a great post! I am a huge fan, and also have a wordpress blog at thedeltablues.wordpress.com. However, you missed a couple things:
1. You can also have the blues in Mississippi.
2. Wearing a regular tie does not fit the blues. Wearing a sting tie does.
3. You really only can have the blues if you have:
I got cutoff…
….
a. women troubles
b. car troubles
c. law troubles
d. killing troubles
e. drinking troubles
Problems that arent blues related:
a. upset at your woman for being with another woman
b. you were late on your BMW payment.
c. Your law troubles are because you are a lawyer
d. You were the one killed
e. You are the bartender
But really you need to be born poor, live poor, and die poor. If you make records, and they get discovered long after your death, and your extended family gets all the benefits, you surely lived the blues.